Caitlin_Nicole

Pathetic,

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 19:33:37 GMT

I can't believe I miss him this much. I guess you really don't know what you have until it's gone. I don't want him to be gone. I never wanted him to leave my arms, ever. Things weren't perfect all the time, but the good outweighed the bad. He always made up for being a jerk and kissed away all my tears. I feel like a huge part of me is missing now; I want it back. I miss my best friend. I miss having someone who could wrap me in their arms when I was having a bad day, kiss my forehead & say "what happened, baby?" I miss being called baby. I miss all the phone calls. I miss just hanging out with my best friend. I hate that I can't even touch him anymore because he's someone else's. I'm all his, why isn't he all mine? I didn't realize how much I really missed him until I was watching a video today by Mayday Parade. We used to listen to the song "Miserable at Best" all the time & this video has little icons & stuff for the song that say "I just miss him" and things like that. I started crying. I don't know how to make it stop hurting. I just want my baby back.

This is the video.

Word.

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 05:12:50 GMT

Just got back from Florida this week and I miss it already. Everything about it. Especially Kourt.

So, I have a new boy. His name is Tommy and he makes me grin. :] The only bad thing is that a.) he's Brandon's best friend and b.) I'm going to college next fall. It blows. I find a great guy and I have to move away. Maybe I just have bad luck?

I'm hoping he will come with me, but only time will tell.

Yeeee. I'm happppy.

Life is...

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 22:39:43 GMT

My year in a nut shell.

I made amazing memories.

Unexpectedly fell in love with an amazing boy.

Missed the sun.

Said some things I wish I could take back.

Learned who my real friends are.

Learned how to love.

Rode a bike to school. In a dress.

Listened to amazing music.

Came back to church.

Kissed an amazing boy in the rain.

Feared for someone I love.

Learned where real happiness lies.

Missed a boy that I love.

Did extremely dumb things.

Had amazingly supportive friends.

Almost lost someone I love.

Learned how to move on.

Made memories I'll never forget.

Some people

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 02:29:30 GMT

are just amazing.
Point blank.

I love you. <3

I love

Sat, 26 May 2007 01:26:54 GMT

everything about summer.

I cannot wait until I am in FL, swimming with dolphins.
That is a dream come true, no lie.

Maybe it will be a life-changing summer.
Who knows?

Apologies.

Sat, 26 May 2007 01:16:44 GMT

An apology will never make up for things lost, for moments ruined, for hearts broken, for letting down someone who means more to you than anyone.

But as sincerely as I can, I apologize.
I'm sorry I though you were different.
I'm sorry that I thought you changed.
I'm sorry that I thought for even a second that I meant something.
Mostly, I'm sorry that I still can't stop thinking about.
& that I don't want to stop thinking about you.

I'm really sorry that you don't want to make this work.

I'm really sorry, but I give up on you.

Always Love.

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 23:44:18 GMT

I'm really tired of people being so mean to each other.
We are all God's children.
God loves us all equally.
Not only does he love us, he demands that we love each other as well.
He doesn't suggest that we love each other, he commands it.

Straight from Today's New International Version Bible:
1 John 3:15
Anyone who hates a fellow believer is a murderer, and you know that no murderers have eternal life in Him.

People, just ask yourself this:
Is it worth it to hate someone?

If Jesus can say, on His way to the cross
"But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,"
[Matthew 5:44]
anyone can find it in their heart to love their enemies. I mean, your enemies are doing things FAR less life altering than hanging you on a cross to die.

I don't mean to get all preachy, I am just tired of all the fighting.

Slippery slope.

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 04:46:13 GMT

I was on a slippery slope downhill.
Then I heard a voice, a rescuing voice.
It was almost like hearing the voice of an angel.
An angel sent to rescue me from myself.
The voice that brought me back to reality.
Back in touch with God.
God; whom I have neglected more than anyone in my life.
The only one who doesn't deserve it.
That voice; that voice.
The motivation to move uphill.
Away from those temptations that so easily distract.
Temptations in the form of sex, and drugs, and escape.
God, thank you for that voice.

hmm. Life?

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 07:53:44 GMT

So, I haven't written in a little while. Truthfully, I've just been mad depressed. I won't tell anyone, but I am. I have a hole in my head & an even bigger hole in my heart. I drown myself in music & I did something today that I'm not proud of. I felt like the old me & it made me wanna vomit. * just feel like little bits of me are slipping away every day. I didn't help that I hung out with a super cute couple today. It made me want a boy to kiss & hold. :[ Maybe it's just a bad night &, as Brandon says, the sun will come out tomorrow. Well, I certainly hope so.

CHRISTMAS.

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 05:28:09 GMT

I really do love my life.

Right now is one of those times. As horrible as things are right now, I am happy. I have people in my life that really love me, people that I can count on & that is amazing.

I don't even need any gifts this Christmas. My friends give me the gift of love everyday & that is more than enough.

Plus, Christmas isn't about gifts, it's about the most miraculous birth there ever was. It's about the birth of the most miraculous person there ever was. The only person who could ever love me enough to die for me, when I don't even kind of deserve it. I love that our school system thinks so highly of this birth that they give us a whole ten days off of school. I mean gosh, it's only the most important birth in history... society now days...

CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE!

<3

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 03:52:14 GMT

Hanging out with Ashley.
Be Jealous. <3

My heart.

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 03:08:22 GMT

Please, make it stop hurting.

:]

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 18:43:16 GMT

Today was awesome.
Church was amazing; amazing lesson.

Ashley is amazing & I lover her. <3

& I'm glad I got to see Brandon today. His smiling face brightens my day, but [shhh!] I'll never tell. :]

Ahh, I feel so loved today. <3

Life is Grand.

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 01:20:15 GMT

So, last night I went on a date with Katrina Mae to Señor Iguana's. It was yummy. I love hanging out with my FMI. We watched King Kong & decorated cookies. It was fun. :]

Then today we went to Walmart & also took a pregnancy test to Alaina Rae. That was freaking scary. I don't know what I would've done if she had popped positive. Her life would've been over. I'm glad that I don't have to worry about that. You know, if her boyfriend loved her like he says he does, she wouldn't have to worry about it. He would care about her enough to at least wrap it up! & if he loved her, he wouldn't have had sex with her after 2 weeks, he would've made her wait. Shows you how great he is. Not that it isn't her fault to, because it totally is. She has control over it as much as he does. I dislike the entire situation. :[

Then, I went to the park with Ashley. She is quite amazing, I must say. I don't think I've ever met someone quite like her. We have a good time doing absolutely nothing, & I love that. Who has fun in the grocery store & in the bathroom at McDonalds?? Haha. We do. :]

I like that I have lots of good friends. Ali, Ashley, Kourtney, Katrina, Hailey, Britney, and Cody. They make my life fun, & I love it. I must say that the bunch of friends I have right now is the best I've ever had. They are REAL friends, who actually care about me, not just themselves. God has truly blessed me with amazing friends. :]

Plus, I have a great friend/boyfriend named Brandon. He is not only a good boyfriend, but a good friend as well. That, in my opinion, is what makes for a good relationship anyway. I like that I have fun with him. I went to his house tonight with Ashley & his family is awesome. The End. :]

Life in a nutshell.

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 03:01:56 GMT

Sometimes life is hard.
But always it gets easier.
Sometimes, you just have to be patient. [Something I do not do well.]

Today was a good day.
The kind of day that restores your hope for life.
The kind that reminds you that things are not perfect, but that's okay.
I'm really glad I went to TABS, it was the icing on the cake.
:]

The only bad thing was David.
I hate that him & Ashley aren't friends.
I hate that he doesn't even have the decency to say "Hello."
Or even offer a friendly smile.
That just doesn't seem very christian, & it definitely doesn't seem very David.
Not that I know him well, but I've never seen him be rude before, & it was a disappointment. Even when I only knew David from Psych class, I always saw him as a person with a huge heart. I've always seen him as someone better than the other kids in my school. Like he just had something... special about him. I don't know if this makes any sense, but there's just some people that you meet & you just get an amazing impression of them right from the start. I don't know, I just thought he would be the kind of person to always want to help someone & be kind to them, no matter what...

Anyways, that was my day. I got to spend most of it with Brandon, I got to go to TABS & learn more about God, and I got to hang out with Ashley. We had a good time on the way to TABS. :] With our Alien Abductions and all. Haha.

Things will get better, I just have this feeling.

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 04:27:33 GMT

I love my friends.
:]

They make my life worth living.

Uhh.

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 01:10:49 GMT

My heart hurts today & I want a hug.
& I'm sick of feeling bad.

But I think that I'm just in a bad mood.
& tomorrow I will feel much better.
I'm being hopeful.

Life.

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 04:56:27 GMT

So I guess I'll start with thursday. I felt horrible, & I let everyone know it. Probably not the best thing to do. [Which is why I normally just pretend to be happy. What was I thinking??] My boy didn't react like I wanted him to & it upset me. What upset me most was when he said "That's nice" after I told him I loved him. I should've known that he was just kidding because forreal, when isn't he kidding?? NEVER. I'm just a dumb girl. I guess I just expected him to be like "I love you, & I'm here for you." That's where I went wrong. You can't just expect someone to act the way YOU want them to, you'll just be disappointed. It would've been nice if he said that but I shouldn't have gotten mad because he didn't. I know he was there for me & I should've realized that. I guess I just have horrible self-esteem. Actually, I know that I have horrible self-esteem. I find it sad that I don't feel loved unless I am told I am loved or the person is acting loving towards me. I hate that I could write a novel about all the things I don't like about myself, but a paragraph about the things I like about myself. I think I'm going to make my new year's resolution to think more positively about me. I think positively about everything else, I just don't give myself a fair chance, so I'm going to work on it.

Anyway. I confronted Brandon about it on Saturday & he pretty much thought that I was a horrible monster for it. He didn't understand where I was coming from at all. I can't blame him. Most of the time, I don't even know where I'm coming from. Haha. Well, I'm glad I talked to him about it anyway. Communication strengthens relationships.

I had a really good weekend though. Friday I went bowling. Bowled a 17, a 54, & a 64. Haha. Yeah, be JEALOUS. Me & Nichole had a really good time. We took pictures & wanted to kill rude kids & their rude mom. Plus we made fools out of ourselves.

Saturday, I got my hair cut. I think I like it. It's kind of short. It's at my shoulders, a little above. I kinda feel like I'm in fifth grade again. Then I went bowling again. Made improvements. Bowled a 56 & a 68! That's almost a 70. Heck yes!

Then I went to dinner with my family & went putt-putting at the beach with Mike. I miss him terribly. His girlfriend is just crazy. I have known him since fourth grade. Why would she think I am a threat?? We saw the lights at the beach. I loved it. Love CHRISTmas.

Today I went to church. I really needed to go. It made me feel a thousand times better. Brandon has black hair now. It's adorable. Then me & Ashley watched the Passion. Let me tell you, that's the most intense movie I have ever seen. It made me feel like a murderer. It made my heart hurt. As I was watching I felt horrible knowing that for my sins, Jesus endured all of that pain. For me. For everyone. That is the greatest love in the world. I am so thankful for that.

Well, seeing as this is the longest entry in the history of my new livejournal, & no one is going to read it anyway, I am going to bed. I feel better to have gotten all that off of my chest though. Now I can sleep easier.

Why??

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 05:32:51 GMT

All I am really interested in are the things that money can't buy: Happiness, Friendship, Honesty, Loyalty, Sincerity, Faith, Compassion, and most importantly, LOVE.

I'm really not very hard to please, so I am a little curious why no one can give me what I need. Am I asking for too much?? Why is it that God can give me these things & no one else can?? The only person who even comes close to giving me these things is my very best friend.

Grr.

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 17:57:33 GMT

Sometimes, I don't understand why I care so much. Last night, I was in a horrible mood. Can you blame me?? I witnessed the saddest funeral of my life. A beautiful, smiling, soon to be mother's heart exploded in her sleep. She was eight months pregnant. Did I mention that she was my cousin?? I tried all day to be strong for everyone. I held in my tears so that I could be strong for my mom and my cousins. All I wanted was to talk to my boyfriend & him be there for me. I just wanted to hear "I'm there for you." I just wanted him to talk to me so that I could have my mind on something other than death. To make matters worse, when I told him that I loved him, he said "That's nice." Maybe those weren't his exact words but something to that effect. That hurt so bad. Moments like that are why I don't give my heart away. I just don't understand why he felt the need to kick me while I was down. AHHHH. I hate that everyone else could cheer me up, and he couldn't. I'm going to stop whining now. I'll write more later, I guess.

RIP Tequila & Oktober

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 04:33:15 GMT

Today I went to the viewing. It was heart breaking. It was heart breaking to see Tequila but more heart breaking to see Oktober. Oktober was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. I thought it was a baby doll until my mom told me that it was real, that's how perfect she was. Oktober Nikole. What a shame that the world will never be graced with her presence. I was actually more distraught by the fact that my cousin Bobby was crying than anything. I have always known him to be a rock, so to see him broken down like that was horrible. My cousin John kept very composed though. I don't think I saw him cry at all. They are amazing people, let me tell you.

There were so many people there. It shocked everyone. Tequila was only 23 & was expecting to have Oktober in a month. She had her whole life ahead of her. It's sad when things like this happen, but God has a reason for everything. God doesn't make mistakes.

I missed TABS to go to the viewing tonight. I was a little upset about missing TABS but it was for good reason. Everyone said the message was amazing tonight. I wish I would've been there for it, but there's always next week.

No School.

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 19:54:16 GMT

Today I didn't go to school. I was tired & just emotionally exhausted. I really should have gone though because I was supposed to get my new math class today. Now I won't be able to start the new class until Tuesday because I have Tequila and Oktober's funerals on Friday. I am so freaking excited about that math class. My Ryan is in there. I have missed having him in my classes a lot. Even though I don't like him anymore, I still love him as a friend & cherish the advice he gives me. I'm super glad that my study block wasn't switched because I would be horribly sad if I couldn't have lunch with Brandon anymore. He makes me forreal happy, but let's keep that a secret. I'm a little afraid of how I feel about him because not too long ago, he really hurt me. Yes, he fixed it, but now I'm just a little more cautious. Anyways, I think that I'm going to go clean my room now. It's disgusting me.

idk.

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 03:54:40 GMT

I used to have one of these & a xanga, but I quit & now I feel like I need an outlet again. I can't put personal stuff on my myspace, because everyone & their mother has one. I don't want everyone in my head.